Snakey Love
by fireylight
Summary: Due to an unfortunate turn of events, Kaidoh Kaoru finds his life coming to a melancholic end when met with fangirls, insanity, and humiliation. And it's all Karupin's fault.


**Author's note: Many thanks for Kaka-****chan**** for the beta-****ing****. And the ****cds.**

**Well, I don't know how this came on. I had fun writing it, though.**

* * *

**Snakey**** Love**

It all began on that fateful day. Kaidoh Kaoru was doing the usual, jogging his daily twenty kilometers and minding his own business. Which wouldn't last for very long, because in Kaidoh's experience, it never did.

He took a left turn into a relatively empty park, away from his usual route. Since the day he had ended up being hit with cursed handbags three times during his run, he had become a little wary – superstitious, even. He took to taking unpredictable turns in order to skirt of harm's way, all of which resulted in taking about three hours or so to find his way back.. He'd even magically wound up in a canal after zoning out for a while, and had to bear all the giggles of the passing schoolgirls on his way back, much to his chagrin.

"Time for push ups," he decided out loud, and propped his legs up on a nearby bench. "One... Two... Th -"

"Meow."

Kaidoh practically jumped out of his skin. Twisting himself around, he spotted that cat again, watching him from some distance again. Echizen's cat. The cat who wouldn't leave him alone. And it was looking up at Kaidoh with big blue eyes, seemingly pleading with him to play with it. Who could resist, really? Kaidoh unsuspectingly took the bait. "Hora, hora..."

Unbeknownst to him, a thunderstorm was brewing above him, as if foreshadowing the evils soon to come. And an unsuspecting Kaidoh Kaoru was about to be caught in the middle of it all.

* * *

Shiba stepped through the sliding glass doors, only to be greeted by pouring rain. "Maa, maa..." she groaned, and reached into her reporter's sling bag to pull out an extendable umbrella. "It's been a bad day!" As in response, there was a sharp flash through the darkened sky, followed by a menacing rumble of thunder. Shiba winced. 

Her Bad Day had begun when the argument between her and director had blown out of proportion in his office. "Shiba," he had said patiently, forcing the corners of his lips up in what he hoped was a pleasant manner. "We cannot, I repeat, we CANNOT have Tezuka Kunimitsu as featured player of the month two months in a row. It doesn't work that way."

"Why not?" Shiba had shot back, her indomitable sense of righteousness filling her. "He's a good player! The best Seigaku has to offer! The undefeatable Tezuka Zone.. "

The director massaged his temples, looking as if he had aged forty years during the span of their conversation. "Shiba." He sounded weary. "No. Find another junior high player to be player of the month."

"But Seigaku -"

"He can be from Seigaku if you're that insistent on it."

"That's not what I -"

"You should start now, Shiba. We need to send it to the printer by the weekend so it'll be out by Monday, you know."

"Buchou -"

"NOW!"

Shiba sighed at the memory. And after all the pictures of Tezuka she had prepared too. "What a stick in the mu -" The scene before her caused her to stop in her tracks, mouth agape. She almost dropped her umbrella onto the sidewalk in shock. Catching herself in time, she fumbled with the camera hung around her neck, activating the zoom function."Gah! I'm out of film!" Shiba frantically changed rolls at a speed that would have put Fudoumine's Kamio to shame.

_ Click. Click. Click. Click._

When the object on the camera screen finally disappeared from her view, Shiba stared at her camera clasped in her hands mutely. "Well, well." She said in disbelief, her astonished expression displaying a trace of wonderment. "Kaidoh Kaoru. You're full of surprises, aren't you?"

* * *

"Ssss." Kaidoh awoke in the morning with an inexplicable sense of doom in the pit of his stomach. Monday again. Which meant school. Which meant he had to come up with an excuse to his math teacher on why he hadn't done his assignment. 

"I got lost jogging in the rain on Friday," he rehearsed aloud, pulling on his uniform haphazardly, hopping a little as he struggled with his socks. "So I got sick over the weekend." Which was true, he thought. Between running about in the rain and finding Echizen's house, Kaidoh had discovered he didn't really like Echizen's cat after all. It only brought trouble. But it _was_ kind of cute...

He sighed and headed downstairs. "Morning.""Morning, son." His father said, giving him a manly clap on the back. "Oversleeping today, eh? Feeling better?"

"Ssss." Kaidoh seated himself at the breakfast table.

"Your brother left for school already," his mother said, placing his breakfast tray in front of him. "You'd better hurry, Kaoru-chan, or you'll be late."

Kaidoh winced inwardly at the pet name. Gulping down his food, he hurried towards the door, sitting on the ledge to tie his laces together. "I'm off."

"Have a nice day!" His parents said in unison, as Kaidoh closed the door behind him. Hoisting his bag higher onto his shoulder, he was caught off guard as he was consumed by seven consecutive sneezes.

"I doubt it," he muttered in response to the earlier statement from his parents. Little did he know how close he actually was to the truth, as he was battered by another onslaught of sneezing.

* * *

"I can't believe it!" Momoshiro's loud screech was the first thing that met the ears of the Seigaku tennis team as he made a dramatic entrance, a magazine clutched in his hand. 

"Can't believe what, Momoshiro?" Fuji asked, curiously, smile in place.

"This! This! Baka-mamushi!" The Pro-Tennis magazine was passed around the members, and numerous gasps were heard, followed by a stunned silence. By this time, practically the entire Seigaku tennis club was huddled together in a speechless bunch, as they all gaped at the magazine, which had made its way back to Momoshiro's hands.

"I can't believe it either, nya!" Eiji broke the silence first. "How could he keep this from us?"

"Interesting," Inui said, glasses gleaming in the sunlight. "Now, to add this to the data..."

"Are you sure that's Kaidoh?"

"It sure isn't like him..."

"But Kaidoh-senpai looks so cool in that picture!"

Oishi had to blink several times before his mind could register what he had just seen. Was that really... _Kaidoh_?! He spotted Ryoma leaning unconcernedly against the fence surrounding the courts. "Don't' you want to take a look, Echizen? It's an... interesting... picture of Kaidoh."

Ryoma hardly looked interested. "Not really."

"Oi, Echizen! Your cat's on the cover, too!" _That_ got his attention. Deftly catching the rolled up magazine aimed in his direction, he found it hard to hide his surprise as he took it all in. As he gazed at the cover in amazement, his confused brain could only formulate a single word.

"Karupin?"

* * *

Something was wrong, Kaidoh thought, as he stepped into Seishun Gakuen. Throughout his entire morning jog to school, the majority of people he passed (mostly females) had either stared at him in awe, or burst into fits of giggles amidst much blushing. Kaidoh had to keep stopping to give himself the once-over more than ten times to check if his socks were mismatched, or if he was wearing his jacket inside out. By the time he had arrived at school (sneezing uncontrollably at points), his paranoia level was very, very, high. 

His fear only escalated as even more girls started gesturing towards him and whispering. This was bad. Even the guys were staring. Too used to being inconspicuous and unnoticed, the sudden attention only made him more nervous. He was about to head towards the tennis courts for a morning warm- up when he heard the first bell ringing in the direction of the school building.

"Ssss." He cursed under his breath, and did his best to ignore the stares, heading purposefully towards his classroom. He was almost at his class when a hand clapped down on his shoulder, causing his nervous state to inadvertently let out a yell.

"Kaidoh!" The all too cheerful face of Kikumaru Eiji greeted him. Kaidoh rewarded him with a death glare, which didn't seem to faze him in the least.

"Hoi, hoi! Kaidoh, we didn't know you had it in ya!"

There was that feeling of doom again. "Had what in me?" His heart was already on a downward path to his stomach. His voice had a tinge of desperation in it as he uncharacteristically grabbed Eiji by the shoulders and began shaking him roughly. "Tell me."

The students swarming past the pair were giving them curious looks. Most of the female students were casting glances in Kaidoh's direction, which he failed to notice, as he felt as if his nerves had been stretched to breaking point.

"Eh? You mean you don't know, Kaidoh?" Eiji asked, tilting his head to the side. "You made it to the cover of this month's Pro-Tennis magazine! Aaaa, there goes the bell. See you later at practice, Kaidoh!"

Kaidoh felt a rolled up magazine being pushed into his hands, and could only watch, dumbstruck, as Kikumaru Eiji bounced away into the crowd, calling, "Don't go stealing all the girl's hearts, nya, Kaidoh! Save some for the rest of us!" before disappearing completely into the rush of students.

Kaidoh took one look at the article clasped tightly in his hands, and felt all the blood rush to his head. Staring back at him was none other than himself, except the Kaidoh in the picture wasn't really staring back. He was staring at Echizen's cat as he held it out across him with his arms,, with an expression on his face he couldn't quite interpret. And he was shirtless. To others, the Kaidoh Kaoru on the cover looked endearing and incredibly sexy, with the rain water dripping off the well formed muscles on his arms and abdomen. To Kaidoh Kaoru, his worst nightmare had just begun, and his life had come to sad and tragic end.

With a final demented yell, Kaidoh collapsed in a puddled heap on the floor, unconscious.

* * *

When Kaidoh woke up, he found himself facing a white ceiling very much like his own. "It was all a dre-" He stopped short when he realized that he was surrounded by cards, cards, and more cards in every imaginable colour. Mostly pink, though. Flowers, even. This isn't my room, he thought, mind swimming. His room didn't have a clean, antiseptic smell. It certainly didn't have blinding cards surrounding the bed. And one thing it DEFINITELY did not have was a bunch of girlish squeals coming from behind the door, complete with numerous pairs of eyes trying to peek in from the shutters. That was when the whole, horrible situation came rushing back to him. 

He felt another headache coming. "Ssss..."

"You're up," a middle-aged woman in a matron's uniform said, closing the door behind her with some effort, for a crowd of hormonal schoolgirls were desperately trying to fight their way in. "You had me worried there. You've been out for about-" she checked her watch "- eight hours."

"WHAT?" Kaidoh snapped, and kicked the covers off, relieved to find that he was still fully clothed. Tennis practice. "I'm off."

"Wait!" The woman grabbed his arm. She had an amazingly tight grip, Kaidoh noted. "I need to take your blood pressure before I can let you leave. Could you take off your shirt?"

Kaidoh gave her a strange look. "I'm fine."

"No, really." The matron smiled. "It's just to take your blood pressure, I promise. I won't ogle at your muscled abs or anything."

"At my..." Kaidoh felt another fainting spell coming. Catching site of the magazine propped up on her desk, supported lovingly by a pink heart-shaped book holder, an overwhelming sense of nausea came over him. The woman was old enough to be his mother, for crying out loud!

"Are you all right?" The matron advanced towards him, a strange gleam in her eyes. But Kaidoh was quicker. His reflexes, thanks to Inui's special menu, had improved a great deal, and he took advantage of this fact to dash past the woman and pitch himself right out of the second-storey window.

The only thing Kaidoh could register was a high pitched "Kaidoh- saaaaaaan!!!" before he landed neatly on the ground. Into what he soon realized was a different kind of hell altogether.

* * *

The sight of seeing Kaidoh Kaoru, the baka-mamushi, being chased down by a bunch of maniacal girls should have made Momoshiro Takeshi feel better, but it didn't. In fact, he felt envious. "What I wouldn't give to be in his shoes," he sighed, and was joined by Fuji on the bench, who was retying the laces of his tennis shoes. 

"I don't think he's enjoying it that much," Fuji noted, flashing his trademark Ultimate Smile of Sadism™ at the direction where Momoshiro was looking. "In fact, Eiji says he didn't even know about the cover story thing until he told him." In the background. Kaidoh was seen tripping over dustbins here and there, in his frantic dash towards the entrance to the courts. Unfortunately, he was tackled at the final corner by a particularly enthusiastic freshman, and then swarmed by what appeared to be his new female fan club.

Cries of, "I got his bandana!" and "I tore a bit of his sleeve off!" could be heard echoing through the courts. It was a while before a very disheveled and worn-looking Kaidoh finally stepped into the tennis court.

"Did you have fun, Kaidoh-senpai?" Ryoma asked innocently, with a knowing smirk. "I never knew that you were such a lady killer."

Kaidoh wanted to punch his smug face in. Before he could start threatening Echizen, though, Tezuka, who still had yet to comment on the matter, finally raised his opinion. "I'm afraid you're going to have to buy a new jersey and team shirt, Kaidoh," he said stoically. "I cannot allow you to attend practices in tattered wear."

"Hoi, hoi! It suits his new status as a chick magnet, nya!" Eiji grinned mischievously, clapping Kaidoh on the back in a congratulatory fashion. "He's got to show off some muscle for the ladies!"

"GREAT-O!!" Kawamura yelled, flames of passion burning as he got his hands on his racket. "Our own Kaidoh Kaoru has discovered the joys of youth!! PASSION!!"

Torn between stabbing out Eiji's eyes and throttling Kawamura, Kaidoh settled for something in between. He tackled the both of them to the ground.

* * *

A scuffle, much shouting, and a hundred and fifty laps around the courts later, Kaidoh Kaoru was on his way home. On his very _long_ way home, as he had discovered a group of giggly freshman girls trying to follow him, whilst carrying a gigantic "KAIDOH KAORU FOR SCHOOL PRESIDENT" banner, complete with multicolored ribbons adorning the front. It was humiliating. He had managed to ditch them by cutting through a muddy field and scaling a steep hill which he knew they wouldn't be able to get past. 

"Ssss." He hissed menacingly as he headed warily in the direction of the main town, where his replacement jersey was supposed to be held. He checked his watch. _I'll run home after I collect my jersey. No, __sprinting's__ probably a better idea. __With a police escort._

Unfortunately for him, the fates had something better planned for him. Kaidoh had barely taken two steps out of the shop when he was mobbed by an overexcited group of St. Rudolph's schoolgirls.

"You're Kaidoh Kaoru!"

"The one on the billboard!"

"Can I have your autograph?"

"Can I have a snip of your hair? A small one!"

"Could you do the pose you did on the cover?"

"No," Kaidoh snapped, trying to push his way through and failing miserably. His head hurt. "Ssss." He supposed his hissing would scare them away, as it did on most people, but it didn't seem to bring out the desired effect.

"KAKOIII!!!"

"Did you hear that? That was so sexy!"

"Do it again, Kaoru-kun!"

"I wish I brought my tape recorder!"

"Sssssss." That wasn't intentional. It was more of a reflex action as he cautiously edged back. Only to be met by a hard brick wall. He was trapped.

"EEEE!!! He did it again!"

"Oh my god! He's soooo hot!"

"He loves cats too! What a guy!"

Then, in one mass squeal of unison, "The Sensitive New Age Guy!" Shop windows within a ten meter radius cracked. So did Kaidoh's eardrums. Then it struck him.

"BILLBOARD?" His pupils dilated. His vision swam. He clutched the wall for support. "Wh-where?"

"Shinjo Avenue!" Another mass feminine squeal. Kaidoh had lost all the feeling in his arms. His legs felt like jelly. Gathering all the strength he possessed, he began wobbling precariously in what he hoped was the general direction of Shinjo Avenue. It wasn't that far. Two blocks and three streets away into the main city. And he had a wall of female fans surrounding him for the journey. It couldn't get any worse, could it?

"Ssss... Shinjo Avenue," he muttered fiercely under his breath, as he stumbled forward, with his protective barrier following him like a persistent pack of fleas. Female fleas. His resolve was returning. He didn't care if it was against the city law, he was going to burn it down and do a victory dance in the flames, and effectively put a stop to the torture he was receiving. It was about then when he realized that there was no way he was going set fire to a 30 by 15 foot billboard. Not because it was too large, really, but because it was about thirty storeys above him. Displayed for the entire world to see. In all his shirtless glory.

And it wasn't just that, either. The picture was plastered over the windows of sports shops lining the busy intersection. Unless his eyesight was failing him as well, he could have sworn it was blown up and pasted on a pet shop display a few feet away. Above it read, in sparkling neon lights, "BE LIKE KAIDOH KAORU - GET YOUR OWN PEDIGREE HIMALAYAN AT REDUCED PRICES TODAY!" And was it just him, or were the number of people wearing green bandanas more than usual? With the exact same pattern as his?

Kaidoh gaped. He sputtered. He was speechless. He felt as if he had just consumed an entire barrel of Inui's Special Remix juice.

For the second time that day, Kaidoh fainted away, hitting the ground with a boneless thud.

* * *

"Ryoma! Have you seen? Karupin's on a billboard in Shinjo Avenue!"

"Eh?" Echizen Nanjiroh tore his eyes away from the bikini-clad women hidden in the folds of his newspaper to stare at his niece in disbelief. "That stupid cat? On a billboard in the city?"

Ryoma looked at the cat nestled in his lap, purring contentedly. "So you're more famous than me, huh?" he grinned, and stroked the spot between its ears affectionately.

"Mada mada da ne."

**-****fin****- **

**Reviews would be appreciated. :)**


End file.
